dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
