is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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