I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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