I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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