I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
