just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
