I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
