so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
