All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
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Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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