Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
