More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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