my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
someone threw a dead crab at me
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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