there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
