ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
