I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
