just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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