I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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