I am puke
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
