my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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