It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
