Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
