I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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