I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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