Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
