Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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