Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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