i just wanna soil my oats bro
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
