there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
