her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
