I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
