He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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