So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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