morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She announced her abortion via fbk
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
not ubering you a puppy
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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