I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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