47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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