Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
