So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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