We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
