I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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