Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
