Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
