As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
