I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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