dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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