Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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