Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
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I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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