So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
