so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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