I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
