So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I fill condoms, not promises.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
