The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
