u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
