there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
