i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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