When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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